Tuesday, November 11, 2008

the truth?... i'm fat

but i am loathe to give you a number, because so many would be quick to judge me by it. but just so you know what we're dealing with...

i am 5'3'' and weigh 186 pounds putting me at a BMI of 32. in order to be "healthy" and "normal" i need to lose over 50 pounds to be in my ideal weight range.

i wear a 14-16 jean (depending on the brand) L shirts, and a size 9 shoe. i love my kids and lazy,rainy afternoons. i look forward to growing old with my husband and learning how to crochet flowers.

there is so much more to me than the numbers.

and if i'm not mistaken, isn't almost 200 pounds a little big for only a size 14 jean?

besides, whose in charge of the numbers? who put them in charge? why do they get to set the rules and tell me i am wrong? fat, ugly, unhealthy, obese, at risk...

did you know that despite my weight i am still a nice person. despite my weight i can still give birth to healthy beautiful children. despite my weight i enjoy the begetting of those children. despite my weight i can still believe in God, vote for a president, wear smokin' hot clothes, cook a good meal, be a good mom, learn something new, make new friends, tell a good joke, get a good joke, nurse my baby, take out the trash and love people.

see? i am not hindered at all by my 'weight'. the only reason i am actively trying to lose it? because i am too poor to buy a new wardrobe, and all my clothes are about 2 sizes smaller than i am. once i fit into my favorite jeans again, i am done. i don't care that i will still be 30 pounds 'overweight'.

shoot, i've lost 10 pounds in the last 2 months and i am so exhausted from my husband not being able to keep his hands off of me. i don't know if i want to lose any more weight. i might never sleep.

why do women always strive to be thinner, brighter, better? why aren't we good enough as we are?

"well yeah abby, but society says..." SCREW SOCIETY! what have they ever given you? the sense that you aren't good enough and a few lousy boyfriends. not enough, in my opinion.

my mom always likes to speculate that is tomorrow a gas was spread all over the whole world that froze people at the exact weight and size that they are at, if people would be happy? would they accept their fate and finally learn to love themselves? would 'societys' view change? would you still love yourself?

what if you were to get in a horrible car accident that melted off half your face. you would never be considered beautiful again. would you still love yourself? would you finally accept yourself? would you still care what other people thought of you?

i hate that when i google images of beautiful i come up with stuff like this (plus a whole lot of soft porn images)

uhm, see what i'm talking about?
why can't beauty be shown as this?
why do we have to put a number on it? or a size? why can't we just be?
on a side note, how awesome is this picture?


MEG said...

I totally hear you girl! I admire you for dressing so well for your figure...it makes me really jealous. WHERE THE HECK DO YOU FIND HOT CLOTHES IN A 14-16? I'm a big girl too but have never been able to dress nice for my size.

b. said...

I adore you!

I'm a fatty...and I love this post.

Emily said...

You're 5'3"? No way, I thought you were at least my height? That pic of you is gorgeous. And thanks for a confidence check. :)

mk said...

For the record, I think you're much more beautiful than that blonde picture you posted. Second, yes, since when was a size 14 for almost 200 pound women? I'm in the same boat, sister. I just hope I can develop as healthy a view about my body as you have.

The McMullin Clan said...


You don't know me but I stumbled upon your blog from a friend of mine, Megan's Blog. I just had to read yours after reading hers.

I wasn't going to comment. But, I just needed you to know you made a not so great day great for me! Thanks for the laughs and cry.

You rock!
Jen McMullin

Janet said...

Thanks Abby! You're so good at putting what I don't know how to say into words... And for the record, I think you are BEAUTIFUL!